5 Ways to Torture Yourself as a Writer
(No, I don’t actually recommend these.)
Are you a writer who is tired of feeling relaxed, easy-going and overly confident about your craft?
If so, have no fear (I know, you don’t . . yet).
Here are 5 ways you can make writing more difficult for yourself. That way, your friends and family will finally know just how hard you really work.
#1 Write as much as humanly possible — 10 hours per day, minimum
You can’t get much done if you don’t work for it. If you really want to feel all messed up about your chosen life path, spend 10 hours every day, writing.
Write like you mean it. Write like you have no other reason to live. Write like you’re going to lose your mind for every second you’re not writing.
It’s about quantity, not quality. How are you going to torture yourself if you don’t push yourself TO THE EXTREME????
If you’re serious about agonizing over your writing, you must, you must, you MUST spend at least 10 hours per day at it. It’s, like, scientifically proven and stuff. (Citation, forthcoming.)
So, what are you waiting for? Leave this story at once and go write, right now! (And then come right back for the next important tip.)
#2 Task-switch like a beast
Back so soon? Good! Because if you spend your entire day writing, you’re going to be exhausted. You need to take breaks to do other stuff, while you’re writing. That way, you can get more done in the same amount of time.
Trust me on this.
You need to stimulate your brain while you’re writing, so it’s vital that you look at as many different things, (on and off your computer), as possible during your writing hours.
Otherwise, you’ll run out of things to write about. And that would be no good. So, I’m glad you’re reading the rest of this article because it will help you with your writing. Really. That’s what this is here for, you know? Yeah, you know.
#3 Skip bathroom breaks, but then take lots of other breaks
So, bathroom breaks. Skip ’em.
Writers don’t have time for that kind of thing. You need to be writing; that’s your job! Focus! Come on!
But do make sure you take plenty of other breaks throughout your day to stimulate your mind and give you ideas for what to write about.
You cannot afford to run out of ideas.
Ideas are like gasoline in a car, where the car is your writing, you know? So, like, yeah, you need lots of ideas, so be sure to do lots of different things throughout the day, so your idea-well, I mean, gas tank, doesn’t run low.
#4 Check your online stats every hour, on the hour, without fail
This is a no-brainer, especially if you publish your writing online.
Of course, checking your stats on Tinder counts too. Whatever gets your creative juices flowing, you know? You do you, man.
(Sorry, I couldn’t finish this section because I was checking on something . . . but, guess what? I just got a “like” on a post I wrote about my friend’s wedding six years ago. YES!)
#5 Second-guess yourself to perfect your writing
If you’ve made it this far, and perfected the first four points, you’re still not perfect. (Sorry, not sorry.)
But wait! There’s good news! You CAN be perfect, as a writer. You just have to want it bad enough. Want every paragraph, nay, every sentence. NO. Scratch that.
Every. Single. Word. You. Write. Must. Be. Perfect. Or. Else. You. Are. No. Good.
See what I mean?
Strive for perfection! Always! How else can you write anything worthy of being called . . . (wait for it) . . . “writing”? Huh? You can’t. Okay? You just can’t.
So, shoot for the stars and land on the farthest flippin’ star you possibly can. And then look around you and realize that there are literally countless other stars that are even further away.
This is good for you. This is what keeps you writing. Just like golf.
And there you have it, folks. How to make your writing into a respectable, stressful endeavor so that society finally approves of you. (Trust me, it’ll work.) Now, get to work!